Ten Changes that Need to Happen to Public Transport Right Now
(And definitely will when I’m world leader)
- You’ll actually be able to HEAR the announcements. No more being late to school because you got on the wrong train after an announcement that you thought said Normanhurst but actually said Wollstonecraft
- Painted trains (‘cause they’re pretty to look at)
- Benedict Cumberbatch will announce stations by order of law. This will encourage the tourist industry and therefore boost the economy, increasing standards of living for all people everywhere and disincentivizing graffiti on public transport (which will be pointless once we have pretty trains anyway)
- By order of another law, Tom Hiddleston will voice all announcements in stations regarding train arrivals and departures. (See above point for reasons why this will be beneficial for everyone)
- Vertiginous people will be provided with blindfolds for that hella long escalator in North Ryde station so they don’t get scared and fall and die (likewise for Town Hall, Epping and Macquarie Uni)
- For the sake of common human decency, there will be a complete overhaul of the seats- replace that horrible mould-patterned seat fabric with perhaps a floral motif? pictures of dogs? Who knows? Anything is possible!
- There will be a completely new colour scheme. No more yellow writing on blue backgrounds!!! Something with a little more contrast – y’know, so people can actually read it…
- Buses will actually TELL YOU WHAT THE NEXT STOP IS. Let’s take a moment to think of all the visually impaired people who can’t see their stop coming up and miss it (*cough* true story *cough* embarrassing)
- Heard spewing racist/sexist/discriminatory abuse at innocent passengers? OFF WITH YOUR OPAL CARD. No room in our public transport system for that, so have fun walking everywhere for a year 🙂
- And on the topic of opal cards… EVERYONE MUST HAVE ONE!! No more ferreting around in your wallet for that ticket you think you put in there but is maybe-possibly-probably buried at the bottom of your bag while others queue up behind you to leave the station!!! (don’t worry, we’ll make them cheaper, maybe…)
Please thoroughly acquaint yourself with these new public transport regulations as they will become effective immediately once world domination has been achieved (exact date TBA) and please leave all suggestions for new seat patterns in the comments box below.
by, Your Future World Leader, Hope Hyatt
(and her loyal minions, Eleanor Cooper and Anastasia Klasen)